Meltdowns. I know that word is thrown around a lot, but what does it mean? Is it the same as a tantrum?
The short answer is, no, it is not the same as a tantrum.
The big difference is that a meltdown is not something that someone can control. Many times, it is caused by being overwhelmed- too much light, noise, etc.
A tantrum is something that is controlled. For example, I had a client who would drop to the floor, scream, cry, wail until they got a toy. His parents would give him a toy and it would stop.
With that in mind, do my boys have meltdowns? Honestly, it's very rare for them to have meltdowns. We try to give them breaks when we notice that they are overwhelmed by things (maybe it's too loud. Or too crowded. Etc) we also prepare them for places that we know maybe a bit much: in general, the boys are not very sensitive to things. Aki CAN be sensitive to certain sounds, but normally, his headphones or his hands (or my hands) will help. When we use the blender for example, we count down before we do to warn them. Yuri's overwhelm is a bit different. He usually gets overwhelmed by expectations that he places on himself. So we try to decrease the expectations and also remind him to take breaks, positive affirmations, etc.
Do the boys have tantrums? Honestly, generally that is rare too. They have never been the kiddo that cry because they didn't get a toy or something they want. They can get disappointed, of course, but they don't throw themselves on the floor, scream, etc. normally, what helps is explaining the reasons for a "no" and we try to use "yes" more than no. For example, Yuri is asking for a toy that is expensive. He is not getting it anytime soon. Why? Because we have a limit for our date night to spend and it's much more than the limit. Could they earn it with green choices? Yes, but because it's expensive, it will be a long while.
So, we let him know that is more a birthday or Christmas toy. Yes, that is a long way away but part is also that 1. They have TONS of toys, 2. When we get big toys like that they usually play with it for that day and then are done with it. And while we understand that and we aren't mad, we're also not in a hurry to spend that much more a day of play. We explain that it is okay to want it and it is important to learn to wait. We praise them for waiting and remind them of the multitude of toys they DO have.
On the outside, a tantrum and meltdown can look very similar. Screaming, yelling, crying, etc. but... the reasons for it are different and the way we respond can be different. The way we prep is different. For meltdowns, I would say that the big thing is to make sure they are safe. If they are overwhelmed with light, then get them to a place (if possible) that is not as bright. Maybe bring sunglasses or eye pillows. Or headphones if they are overwhelmed with sound. Take breaks as needed. Find quiet spots and note them in your head if needed. Sometimes, it's going back to the car.
For tantrums, it's reminding them that it is ok to have feelings. Frustration. Disappointment and anger are all big feelings! And that is ok. Try your best not to give in and get them that thing though! Because if we do.. we just taught the other person (adult or child) that is the way to get what they want. And it isnt. If there is a way to get that thing, then talk to them about it. "I wonder if we can save our allowance to get that..." "that may be a birthday thing ".
If appropriate, explain in terms that they can understand. My boys are 7, so we explain it to them in ways that 7 year olds understand. And they do!
Now with that in mind... think about it!
Do you/ your loved one have meltdowns? Or tantrums? Or both?
Until next time, for now, let's jump into this week's Therapist Mama Bear tip!
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