For the last month, we have been chatting about communication!
We went over the 4 communication styles: Aggressive, Passive, Passive Aggressive and Assertive.
We also spoke about assertive speaking!
Now, we are going to talk about assertive listening!
For assertive listening, there is a thing that we do called reflections. Reflections means that we say what we are understanding the speaker is saying in our own words. The big thing is to make sure the listener is understanding the speaker correctly. (because some times, the speaker and listener does not actually understand each other correctly) The important thing with reflections is to be CALM when the listener reflects.
The tone of voice is very, very important too! It can also be helpful to focus on the emotions that the person is expressing and reflecting them."I am hearing that you are confused that..." "it sounds like you feel frustrated that.."and then once you reflect, we can ask, "is that what I am hearing you say?" "am I understanding you correctly?" etc
A big mistake that I see people making when using this is inserting their own opinions when using reflections.
For example, let's say S is the speaker and L is the listener.
S: I just feel like I do a lot around the house and it feels like you don't care.
L: I am hearing that you are overwhelmed but you are wrong- I do a lot around the house, you just don't see it.
What happened here?
Well, l didn't use reflections- they actually didn't listen, they took the opportunity to use that time to speak their views.
Instead, a reflection may be something like this:
I am hearing that you are overwhelmed by the amount of housework, I'm also hearing that you feel that I may not care about you or the amount of work that you put into our house for us. Am I understanding you correctly?
Although the first part was the same, the second part became very different!
Until next time, for now, let's jump into this week's Therapist Mama Bear tip!
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