Boundaries.
It is a word that we use in our regular conversation often.
"Oh my goodness, he has no boundaries."
"She violated my boundaries."
What does it mean?
Take a moment to think it over.
What do boundaries mean to you?
According Therapist Aid, boundaries are "limits and rules we set for ourselves within relationships." (I love this site and use them often!)
When I speak with clients about boundaries, I discuss that there are types of boundaries.
A person who always keeps others at a distance (whether emotionally, physically, or otherwise) has rigid boundaries. This may be the person that you feel you can not get close to, even though you have tried. Maybe you ask them how they are doing, and you get a "fine" but nothing more! A long time ago, I had a client where my beginning conversations would go like this:
"Hi! How are you doing today?"
"I've been good."
"Yea? Tell me about what good means to you today."
"I don't really know. It's been alright."
And so on.
After a while, they were able to share more, but for a while, I had no idea what was going on in their lives!
I kind of imagine this type of boundary at being toooo far.
Next, someone who tends to get too involved with others has porous boundaries. This may be the friend that gets overly upset when something happens to others. Or they overshare!
A long time ago, I had a client where my first conversation went like this:
"Hi. So, I'm here because my husband is mad at me because he thinks that I'm over-involved with my friend's life. So I have this friend that I have known for a while and she is always sad. So I am at my friend's house every day. And like, if she calls me, I always answer and if she's sad, I feel sad. I lose sleep over things that she says and I just don't know if things will be ok for her." and so on.
I learned more about her and her friend in the first 10 minutes of my conversation with her than I knew about some of my close friends for the first year! I think of these type of boundary as being toooooo close. (Like two hands that are clasped together!)
Then, A person with healthy boundaries can say "no" to others when they want to, but they are also comfortable opening themselves up to intimacy and close relationships. This person may be your friend that you know you can reach out to and talk to things about, but also know that they would not drop everything all the time for you. They are open to sharing about themselves but also won't make everything about themselves. They have a balance! They are in the middle!
Looking at some common traits for people with these types of boundaries:
For rigid boundaries, this person tends to have: Avoids intimacy and close relationships, unlikely to ask for help and has few close relationships.
For porous boundaries, this person tends to have: Overshares personal information, they are dependent on the opinions of others and are accepting of abuse or disrespect.
For healthy boundaries, this person tends to: Value own opinions, they don't compromise values for others and are accepting when others say "no" to them.
If you want more information, you can find some more information here :https://uhs.berkeley.edu/sites/default/files/relationships_personal_boundaries.pdf
For my next few posts, I will be breaking down the different categories of boundaries!
Until next time, for now, let's jump into this week's Therapist Mama Bear tip! This one is hard so take your time!!
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